fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckf fuck fuck fuck FUCK!!!!!
WHY DID HE DO THAT?!?!? WHY DID HE ATTACK ME?!?
i told him to stay away!!! i even warned him that id hurt him!! HE IDDNT FUCKING LISTENITSNOTMYFUCKING FAULT!!!!!!AGGGHGHG!!!! WHY THE FUCK CANT YOU PEOPLE LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!
its all HIS fucking fault!!! now his fucking DEAD!!!! FUCK!!!!! WHERE AM I GONNA HIDE THIS GOD DAMN BODY?!?!? HOW AM I GONNA HIDE THIS THING?!
fffffUCK. god FUCKING damnit.
i strangled him. i fucking grabbed his neck so hard that i broke it.....god fucking DAMNIT......
now what the fuck do i do???
Monday, November 28, 2011
Saturday, November 26, 2011
so what was off???
was it my mind???? believe it or not, the answer is yes and no. you see, im far from a gibbering madman. my problem is that i feel....detached you could say. each day when i wake up, i put on a mask; a mask that filters my thoughts and ideas in a way that makes it so i ssound like the rest of society.
people ask me the most mundane questions, in attempts to learn more about who i am. what they learn about is a lie; a fabrication ive created that gives me a safe spot in society's clutches.
i tried to show my true colors once. it was as a freshman. and it first , it worked out well. but soon, more people started to hear about me. instead of just my freinds, i now had strangers barrageing me with questions.
"why dont you think murder is wrong?"
"are you a wiccan? why do you think magick is real?!"
never once did i speak about magick, so that one always pissed me off. but the answers i gave apparently did not make people pleased. i became a fuckin exile......not that i minded. i hate their guts. most of you people (excluding a select few) are so fucking ignorant and brainwashed that, personally, i think of you more like animals.
really. stupid. animals.
however, as some of you know, contempt for your own breeds no good.and soon i began to develop an.........anger.........that boils deep within me. now, lots of people have this problem. why does it fuck with my life so much???
last year a boy tryed takeing my wallet. he tryed to step into my face and, due to his height, look down at me.
i took my thumb, index, and middle finger on each hand, shoved them into his eyesockets and pulled his eyes out of his head.
it was like one of the nightmares i had. he started screaming and running away, his eyes hanging down near his fucking chin. i could believe my own eyes and ears.
what had i done??
to top it all off i felt no shame. no guilt. i was EXCITED!!! over joyed!!!! i had stood up for myself, and honestly, I saw nothing wrong with it!!
but i knew that was dangerous. dont get me wrong, like i said, i do not judge those that murder people. we all have our faults, and everyone has that urge to kill sometime in their life. but i could keep doing that; i couldnt just throw my muscle at everyone who ever tried to hurt me because i knew id end up hurting somone ever more, or worse, even KILLING them.....
so ive hid myself.......ive ziptied, locked, chained, lashed, and bound my anger and my strength so that i would never hurt somone like that again. this has caused me to develop a near split personality.
the half of me that is rational, sane, and kind've pleasent.
that half of me that would love nothing more then to kill you all.
this is my curse. and my blessing.
)*SERVE*(
people ask me the most mundane questions, in attempts to learn more about who i am. what they learn about is a lie; a fabrication ive created that gives me a safe spot in society's clutches.
i tried to show my true colors once. it was as a freshman. and it first , it worked out well. but soon, more people started to hear about me. instead of just my freinds, i now had strangers barrageing me with questions.
"why dont you think murder is wrong?"
"are you a wiccan? why do you think magick is real?!"
never once did i speak about magick, so that one always pissed me off. but the answers i gave apparently did not make people pleased. i became a fuckin exile......not that i minded. i hate their guts. most of you people (excluding a select few) are so fucking ignorant and brainwashed that, personally, i think of you more like animals.
really. stupid. animals.
however, as some of you know, contempt for your own breeds no good.and soon i began to develop an.........anger.........that boils deep within me. now, lots of people have this problem. why does it fuck with my life so much???
last year a boy tryed takeing my wallet. he tryed to step into my face and, due to his height, look down at me.
i took my thumb, index, and middle finger on each hand, shoved them into his eyesockets and pulled his eyes out of his head.
it was like one of the nightmares i had. he started screaming and running away, his eyes hanging down near his fucking chin. i could believe my own eyes and ears.
what had i done??
to top it all off i felt no shame. no guilt. i was EXCITED!!! over joyed!!!! i had stood up for myself, and honestly, I saw nothing wrong with it!!
but i knew that was dangerous. dont get me wrong, like i said, i do not judge those that murder people. we all have our faults, and everyone has that urge to kill sometime in their life. but i could keep doing that; i couldnt just throw my muscle at everyone who ever tried to hurt me because i knew id end up hurting somone ever more, or worse, even KILLING them.....
so ive hid myself.......ive ziptied, locked, chained, lashed, and bound my anger and my strength so that i would never hurt somone like that again. this has caused me to develop a near split personality.
the half of me that is rational, sane, and kind've pleasent.
that half of me that would love nothing more then to kill you all.
this is my curse. and my blessing.
)*SERVE*(
Friday, November 25, 2011
discontent
i tire of the flesh. i tire of the organic meatsack that is my body. its tone and fit, structurally healthy. but my organs just looooooove fuckin with me.
while my mind is doing field laps, my body is clammy and feels like its about to heave-ho. jesus christ i hate that feeling the pit of your stomach...so uncomfortable........it makes you feel like your stomach is filling itself with acid.
to put it simply. im sick atm. a stomach flu.
serve does not approve.
)*SERVE*(
while my mind is doing field laps, my body is clammy and feels like its about to heave-ho. jesus christ i hate that feeling the pit of your stomach...so uncomfortable........it makes you feel like your stomach is filling itself with acid.
to put it simply. im sick atm. a stomach flu.
serve does not approve.
)*SERVE*(
dawn
it brings with it the light. heat from the shining sun that reflects down upon the lowly mortals and unholy portals which infest this planet.
i began much like the sun. a power house the minute i was born. full of energy and life, drive and motivation to do better. my ignorance was bliss, and for the brief period of time i had it it was perfect.
but i got older. so did the world around me. and the ignorance that spawns from playgrounds is not one that dies quickly, and it breeds hatred for not only the self, but for the society at large. infact, id say without school, i may never have become what i am today.
a fucking monster playing the part of human.
a thing in a man suit.
a reflection un-validated.
as i grew, the names got worse. it went from weirdo, to creeper, to fucking freak. and the answer was always the same; "why do you think im such a freak?"
"theres just something off about you. its fuckin weird."
heartwarming, no? and after hearing this constantly for many years, i began to reflect upon it; some thing WAS off. but what???? well. thats a story for another time.
however, my madness only began there as a seed. the final spark to the tinder came when i met a girl named samantha. in school she would talk about seeing "that man" as a child. how right before something bad ever happened to her, she would see a tall, faceless man.
being the lonely child i was, i knew my way around the internet. and my curiosity got the best of me.
that day, i found the fears.
and on the day, i learned what the face of my inner self looks like.
the operator symbol is more then just a mark. it represents a brokenness in ones being. it is a crossed out eye; a viewpoint tainted; a sight unclean.
it is what i experience every day.
this was my dawning.
it should be enough to explain for now.
now i must rest, it has been a long night of survival.
)*SERVE*(
i began much like the sun. a power house the minute i was born. full of energy and life, drive and motivation to do better. my ignorance was bliss, and for the brief period of time i had it it was perfect.
but i got older. so did the world around me. and the ignorance that spawns from playgrounds is not one that dies quickly, and it breeds hatred for not only the self, but for the society at large. infact, id say without school, i may never have become what i am today.
a fucking monster playing the part of human.
a thing in a man suit.
a reflection un-validated.
as i grew, the names got worse. it went from weirdo, to creeper, to fucking freak. and the answer was always the same; "why do you think im such a freak?"
"theres just something off about you. its fuckin weird."
heartwarming, no? and after hearing this constantly for many years, i began to reflect upon it; some thing WAS off. but what???? well. thats a story for another time.
however, my madness only began there as a seed. the final spark to the tinder came when i met a girl named samantha. in school she would talk about seeing "that man" as a child. how right before something bad ever happened to her, she would see a tall, faceless man.
being the lonely child i was, i knew my way around the internet. and my curiosity got the best of me.
that day, i found the fears.
and on the day, i learned what the face of my inner self looks like.
the operator symbol is more then just a mark. it represents a brokenness in ones being. it is a crossed out eye; a viewpoint tainted; a sight unclean.
it is what i experience every day.
this was my dawning.
it should be enough to explain for now.
now i must rest, it has been a long night of survival.
)*SERVE*(
Thursday, November 24, 2011
what is this?
this is a place where a man can display his thoughts.
he feels like a bull in a china shop....constantly restraining himself and keeping himself bound
in fear that if he doesnt, he will break some poor souls fragile figure of frail beauty.
i tire of keeping my self shackled, always afraid of becoming a beast, always afraid of unleashing my leash, the one that i gave my self long long ago, when i notice the anger start boiling below.
this is my curse and my blessing. i know power. it is my own. but i fear it.
now please, take off your coat and hang up your hat, wipe off your shoes, lay them on the matt
stay for a while, and listen and learn
from a bull in a china shop, scorn-filled and burned.
he feels like a bull in a china shop....constantly restraining himself and keeping himself bound
in fear that if he doesnt, he will break some poor souls fragile figure of frail beauty.
i tire of keeping my self shackled, always afraid of becoming a beast, always afraid of unleashing my leash, the one that i gave my self long long ago, when i notice the anger start boiling below.
this is my curse and my blessing. i know power. it is my own. but i fear it.
now please, take off your coat and hang up your hat, wipe off your shoes, lay them on the matt
stay for a while, and listen and learn
from a bull in a china shop, scorn-filled and burned.
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